The author of Daring
Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown, explains throughout her book the importance of
not perceiving vulnerability as a weakness; but rather, viewing it as the most important way to
measure courage. Dr. Brene Brown has her
doctorate degree in social work and has spent the majority of career
researching shame and vulnerability. She
has also been a speaker at many TED talks, which she addresses throughout her
book. She states that vulnerability is neither good nor bad, it is just
important that we embrace it, because it is foundation for creativity,
innovation, and change. Therefore,
without it, scientific discoveries, marriages, careers, etc. would not
occur. Dr. Brene Brown discovered,
through performing interviews and observing data that the vast majority of the
population believes that being vulnerable is being weak; and as a result we are
numbing all our joy and happiness in our lives.
Dr. Brene Brown defines vulnerability as, “uncertainty,
risk, and emotional exposure.” In order
for us to feel connected to one another, we must be vulnerable and allow
ourselves to not expect the worst and fear being our true selves. Vulnerability is the core of all of the
positive and negative emotions that we feel throughout our daily life. When we do not embrace being vulnerable we
experience negative emotions such as fear, anger, and rejection. On the other hand, when we do accept our
vulnerability we are able to experience more joy out of daily activities and
are less likely to let others’ critiques interfere with our opinion about
ourselves. Vulnerability does not
entail sharing every single detail of our personal life to everyone, it is
simply to allow ourselves to be courageous and take chances rather than just
stay in the background because we are afraid of what others will think about ourselves.
In
order for us to take risks such as talking in front of a large group of people,
it is important that we first gain support from close friends and family
members. As Dr. Brene Brown explains, “In order for us to feel trust with a
person we need to be vulnerable, and in order for us to be vulnerable we must
gain trust with a person.” Furthermore,
there is a constant cycle of gaining trust with a person and also increasing
the amount of vulnerability we express with that person. The first step in embracing vulnerability is
allowing ourselves to take a chance and ask for support. Once we have gained support, we are more
likely to feel confident and begin taking larger risks such as asking someone
on a date. Therefore, it is vital that
the first step in expressing vulnerability in a larger setting be feeling
connected to close friends and family; which we can obtain by opening up to
them.
One of the many factors that can hinder our ability to
express vulnerability is scarcity.
Scarcity is the feeling of never being good enough in any aspect of our
life. In today’s time, the majority of
scarcity arises from social comparisons.
We compare others’ relationships, careers, appearance, etc. on a daily
basis causing us to feel bad about ourselves.
The more negatively we view ourselves and our abilities, the less likely
we are to put ourselves in vulnerable experiences. The feeling of scarcity comes from shame;
which is the fear of being disconnection from others. Shame is the foundation for
vulnerability. We choose not to be
vulnerable because we fear that in doing so we will be rejected by others.
In today’s time, it is quite common to fear
terrorist attacks, school shootings, crimes, etc. because they are occurring
more frequently now than ever before.
The increasing fear that we may have of these situations occurring can
cause us to fear trying something new.
We must overcome these fears in order to for our worries to not
interfere with experiences that we could have.
For example, a parent’s fear of a school shooting occurring in their
child’s school can be interfering in their daily life causing chronic stress
and concerns. It is important that we
are able to focus on what we appreciate and enjoy about life; rather than,
imagining horrific events that could happen to us. Imagining these things will significantly
decrease our ability to be vulnerable and will also decrease our quality of
life.
As
stated previously, shame is the fear of being disconnected and is the
foundation of vulnerability. Dr. Brene
Brown stated, “The most powerful way to trigger shame is reinforced when we
enter into a social contract based on gender straitjackets. When we define our relationships by saying,
“I’ll play my role, and you play yours.”
After interviewing several men and women, Dr. Brene Brown found that for
women the top pressure that they feel is to be feminine/perfect and a good mother. She found that main pressure men felt was to
not be perceived as weak. If they were
unable to achieve these standards, they were left feeling shameful and upset
with their selves.
Shame hits us the most halfway through our
life. At this time most women feel as if
they are exhausted and overworked, and for the first time in their life they
are seeing things as impossible. On the
other hand, men are beginning to feel more and more disconnected and are
overwhelmed with fear of failure. Due to
gender roles, we feel that it is necessary for us to do everything in our
“roles,” even if it is not something we are able to do so we aren’t rejected by
our peers. When we are unable to
accomplish our gender roles, we have an overwhelming feeling of scarcity. In order for us to overcome this feeling, it
is important that we let ourselves be vulnerable by being courageous and being
our true selves and not focusing on the gender roles that our society has set
for ourselves. In doing this, we will be
able to live happier and more fulfilling lives.
It
is very important that we are able to overcome shame for us to be more
optimistic about our lives. Many people
assume that being a perfectionist and meeting all of the standards society and
our peers place on us will allow us to stop feeling shame; however, perfectionism
is NOT the answer. The first step in
becoming shame resilient is that we must strive to accept ourselves for whom we
truly are and not place importance on what others think of us. Furthermore, it is important that we only
accept the feedback we are given from those who are going through the same
things we are going through. For
example, the author states that she only accepts feedback from fellow
researchers and does not focus on feedback given to her from common
people. Also, she recommends that we
produce a list that includes the names of people whose opinions matter to
us. Therefore, if a person says
something negative to us and their name isn’t on our list we shouldn’t let what
they say affect us.
When
choosing whether or not you want to be vulnerable, it is important that you
choose a person or event that you can feel connected too. For example, if you tell a very personal
story to a person who you do not have a connection too, then they are likely to
not receive a reaction that you are hoping for.
The person is likely to feel overwhelmed and confused from your
story. At times it is important that we
step out of our vulnerability shield and allow ourselves to be who we truly
are.
As
a society, we are becoming less interested in upholding our personal values
such as not cheating, stealing, honestly, etc. and conforming to cultural
norms. It is very important that we
allow ourselves to be vulnerable and stay true to our values. For example, politicians name many values
that they will abide by during election time; however, most turn to blaming and
not being honest when they are elected. This creates disconnection between the
citizens and the politician; which results in disengagement. Furthermore, we do not vote as often and do
not pay attention to debates because we believe that the politicians will just
change their values once they are elected.
Disengagement is the feeling that we do not care about something or
someone; it occurs in schools, churches, families, etc. The author states, “When we try to give
people what we don’t have, we are producing a mind gap.” Therefore, it is very
important that we stick to our values to prevent disengagement and to remain
true to ourselves.
When
we allow shame to overwhelm our lives, it is only a matter of time until it
causes disengagement. Therefore, as we
become leaders, we must recognize the importance of encouraging ourselves and
others. A leader should be someone that
provides constructive feedback, is respectful, and finally is actively
involved.
Parents,
just like leader, must also “practice what they preach.” For parents, it is very hard to determine how
to raise a child in a society that is driven by the notion of never being good
enough. It is important that parents
allow their children to overcome obstacles on their own providing support, but
not doing it for them. Also, parents
should always express love and joy to their children to let the children know
they have a strong support system to live out their dreams. Finally, parents mold their children into
adults. Therefore, it is essential that
they give their children the opportunities to be hopeful and not be afraid of
rejection.
Interview:
Do you perceive vulnerability
as a weakness?
Julia: Yes, we shouldn’t allow
ourselves to be put in situations that make us feel vulnerable. For example, it is very hard for me to fall in
love because I have been hurt multiple times by opening up to men.
Rob:
Yes,
when we fear something it causes us not to do things that we should experience.
Simon:
No,
it isn’t a weakness. When we are
vulnerable we are allowing ourselves to be who we are.
Henry:
Yes,
when we are vulnerable we are letting others see us as being weak.
What is your definition
of shame?
Julia: Feeling sadness about
something when another person made you feel that way. For example, my teacher once laughed at me
when I answered a question incorrectly in class.
Rob:
Feeling
bad about doing something that I did and wishing that I could do it over again.
Simon:
Regretting something that I did or saw happen.
Henry:
Like, when I am embarrassed and wish I hadn’t
done what I just did.
Would you describe your
parents as being overly protective, just right, or too few boundaries?
Julia:
My parents were just right. They had boundaries in place like doing
school work before hanging out with friends and I had to be home at a certain
time each night. But, they also trusted
me to make decisions and let me make decisions rather than them doing it for
me.
Rob:
My
parents allowed me to do pretty much anything I wanted to do once I got
older. I think that that is good though
because they trusted me in making good choices. When I get older I don’t want
to put strict boundaries on my children because I believe that they will just
rebel even more.
Simon:
My parents were all three of the options at different times in my life. The older I got the less protective they
became. However, I still had to listen
to what they told me to do and a do what they asked of me. I would say that my parents were just right.
Henry:
My parents weren’t a huge part of my
upbringing. They never really cared what
I did. I wished that they would have
cared more about what I did because I made some stupid mistakes when I was
younger. However, those stupid choices
made me the person I am today.
1. What is the foundation for vulnerability?
2. What is the definition of vulnerability?
3. What is the definition of shame?
4. What is the definition of scarcity?
5. In what time of our life does shame impact us
the most?
6. What is an example of shame that the majority
of females feel?
7. What is an example of shame that the majority
of males experience?
8. Give an example of scarcity?
9. Name the first step that must occur in order
for us to be vulnerable.
10.
Is vulnerability defined as being good,
bad, or indifferent?
11. What
does disengagement mean?
12.
Why is it important to uphold our values?
Survey: