Daring Greatly Summary: Erin Marshall and LeChae Nelson

            The author of Daring Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown, explains throughout her book the importance of not perceiving vulnerability as a weakness; but rather,  viewing it as the most important way to measure courage. Dr.  Brene Brown has her doctorate degree in social work and has spent the majority of career researching shame and vulnerability.  She has also been a speaker at many TED talks, which she addresses throughout her book. She states that vulnerability is neither good nor bad, it is just important that we embrace it, because it is foundation for creativity, innovation, and change.  Therefore, without it, scientific discoveries, marriages, careers, etc. would not occur.  Dr. Brene Brown discovered, through performing interviews and observing data that the vast majority of the population believes that being vulnerable is being weak; and as a result we are numbing all our joy and happiness in our lives. 

            Dr. Brene Brown defines vulnerability as, “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”  In order for us to feel connected to one another, we must be vulnerable and allow ourselves to not expect the worst and fear being our true selves.  Vulnerability is the core of all of the positive and negative emotions that we feel throughout our daily life.  When we do not embrace being vulnerable we experience negative emotions such as fear, anger, and rejection.  On the other hand, when we do accept our vulnerability we are able to experience more joy out of daily activities and are less likely to let others’ critiques interfere with our opinion about ourselves.   Vulnerability does not entail sharing every single detail of our personal life to everyone, it is simply to allow ourselves to be courageous and take chances rather than just stay in the background because we are afraid of what others will think about ourselves. 

In order for us to take risks such as talking in front of a large group of people, it is important that we first gain support from close friends and family members. As Dr. Brene Brown explains, “In order for us to feel trust with a person we need to be vulnerable, and in order for us to be vulnerable we must gain trust with a person.”  Furthermore, there is a constant cycle of gaining trust with a person and also increasing the amount of vulnerability we express with that person.   The first step in embracing vulnerability is allowing ourselves to take a chance and ask for support.   Once we have gained support, we are more likely to feel confident and begin taking larger risks such as asking someone on a date.  Therefore, it is vital that the first step in expressing vulnerability in a larger setting be feeling connected to close friends and family; which we can obtain by opening up to them. 

            One of the many factors that can hinder our ability to express vulnerability is scarcity.  Scarcity is the feeling of never being good enough in any aspect of our life.  In today’s time, the majority of scarcity arises from social comparisons.  We compare others’ relationships, careers, appearance, etc. on a daily basis causing us to feel bad about ourselves.  The more negatively we view ourselves and our abilities, the less likely we are to put ourselves in vulnerable experiences.  The feeling of scarcity comes from shame; which is the fear of being disconnection from others.  Shame is the foundation for vulnerability.  We choose not to be vulnerable because we fear that in doing so we will be rejected by others.   

 In today’s time, it is quite common to fear terrorist attacks, school shootings, crimes, etc. because they are occurring more frequently now than ever before.  The increasing fear that we may have of these situations occurring can cause us to fear trying something new.  We must overcome these fears in order to for our worries to not interfere with experiences that we could have.  For example, a parent’s fear of a school shooting occurring in their child’s school can be interfering in their daily life causing chronic stress and concerns.  It is important that we are able to focus on what we appreciate and enjoy about life; rather than, imagining horrific events that could happen to us.  Imagining these things will significantly decrease our ability to be vulnerable and will also decrease our quality of life.

As stated previously, shame is the fear of being disconnected and is the foundation of vulnerability.  Dr. Brene Brown stated, “The most powerful way to trigger shame is reinforced when we enter into a social contract based on gender straitjackets.  When we define our relationships by saying, “I’ll play my role, and you play yours.”   After interviewing several men and women, Dr. Brene Brown found that for women the top pressure that they feel is to be feminine/perfect and a good mother.  She found that main pressure men felt was to not be perceived as weak.  If they were unable to achieve these standards, they were left feeling shameful and upset with their selves.

 Shame hits us the most halfway through our life.  At this time most women feel as if they are exhausted and overworked, and for the first time in their life they are seeing things as impossible.  On the other hand, men are beginning to feel more and more disconnected and are overwhelmed with fear of failure.  Due to gender roles, we feel that it is necessary for us to do everything in our “roles,” even if it is not something we are able to do so we aren’t rejected by our peers.  When we are unable to accomplish our gender roles, we have an overwhelming feeling of scarcity.   In order for us to overcome this feeling, it is important that we let ourselves be vulnerable by being courageous and being our true selves and not focusing on the gender roles that our society has set for ourselves.  In doing this, we will be able to live happier and more fulfilling lives.

It is very important that we are able to overcome shame for us to be more optimistic about our lives.  Many people assume that being a perfectionist and meeting all of the standards society and our peers place on us will allow us to stop feeling shame; however, perfectionism is NOT the answer.  The first step in becoming shame resilient is that we must strive to accept ourselves for whom we truly are and not place importance on what others think of us.  Furthermore, it is important that we only accept the feedback we are given from those who are going through the same things we are going through.  For example, the author states that she only accepts feedback from fellow researchers and does not focus on feedback given to her from common people.  Also, she recommends that we produce a list that includes the names of people whose opinions matter to us.  Therefore, if a person says something negative to us and their name isn’t on our list we shouldn’t let what they say affect us. 

When choosing whether or not you want to be vulnerable, it is important that you choose a person or event that you can feel connected too.  For example, if you tell a very personal story to a person who you do not have a connection too, then they are likely to not receive a reaction that you are hoping for.  The person is likely to feel overwhelmed and confused from your story.  At times it is important that we step out of our vulnerability shield and allow ourselves to be who we truly are.

As a society, we are becoming less interested in upholding our personal values such as not cheating, stealing, honestly, etc. and conforming to cultural norms.  It is very important that we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and stay true to our values.   For example, politicians name many values that they will abide by during election time; however, most turn to blaming and not being honest when they are elected.   This creates disconnection between the citizens and the politician; which results in disengagement.  Furthermore, we do not vote as often and do not pay attention to debates because we believe that the politicians will just change their values once they are elected.  Disengagement is the feeling that we do not care about something or someone; it occurs in schools, churches, families, etc.  The author states, “When we try to give people what we don’t have, we are producing a mind gap.” Therefore, it is very important that we stick to our values to prevent disengagement and to remain true to ourselves.

When we allow shame to overwhelm our lives, it is only a matter of time until it causes disengagement.  Therefore, as we become leaders, we must recognize the importance of encouraging ourselves and others.  A leader should be someone that provides constructive feedback, is respectful, and finally is actively involved. 

Parents, just like leader, must also “practice what they preach.”  For parents, it is very hard to determine how to raise a child in a society that is driven by the notion of never being good enough.  It is important that parents allow their children to overcome obstacles on their own providing support, but not doing it for them.  Also, parents should always express love and joy to their children to let the children know they have a strong support system to live out their dreams.  Finally, parents mold their children into adults.  Therefore, it is essential that they give their children the opportunities to be hopeful and not be afraid of rejection.

 Interview:

Do you perceive vulnerability as a weakness?

Julia:  Yes, we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be put in situations that make us feel vulnerable.  For example, it is very hard for me to fall in love because I have been hurt multiple times by opening up to men.

Rob: Yes, when we fear something it causes us not to do things that we should experience.

Simon: No, it isn’t a weakness.  When we are vulnerable we are allowing ourselves to be who we are.

Henry: Yes, when we are vulnerable we are letting others see us as being weak.

 

What is your definition of shame?

Julia:  Feeling sadness about something when another person made you feel that way.  For example, my teacher once laughed at me when I answered a question incorrectly in class.

Rob: Feeling bad about doing something that I did and wishing that I could do it over again.

Simon: Regretting something that I did or saw happen.

Henry:  Like, when I am embarrassed and wish I hadn’t done what I just did.

Would you describe your parents as being overly protective, just right, or too few boundaries?

Julia:  My parents were just right.  They had boundaries in place like doing school work before hanging out with friends and I had to be home at a certain time each night.  But, they also trusted me to make decisions and let me make decisions rather than them doing it for me.

Rob: My parents allowed me to do pretty much anything I wanted to do once I got older.  I think that that is good though because they trusted me in making good choices. When I get older I don’t want to put strict boundaries on my children because I believe that they will just rebel even more.

Simon: My parents were all three of the options at different times in my life.  The older I got the less protective they became.  However, I still had to listen to what they told me to do and a do what they asked of me.  I would say that my parents were just right.

Henry:  My parents weren’t a huge part of my upbringing.  They never really cared what I did.  I wished that they would have cared more about what I did because I made some stupid mistakes when I was younger.  However, those stupid choices made me the person I am today. 

 

Questions:
1. What is the foundation for vulnerability?
2. What is the definition of vulnerability?
3. What is the definition of shame?

4.  What is the definition of scarcity?

5.  In what time of our life does shame impact us the most?

6.  What is an example of shame that the majority of females feel?

7.  What is an example of shame that the majority of males experience?

8.  Give an example of scarcity?

9.  Name the first step that must occur in order for us to be vulnerable.

10.  Is vulnerability defined as being good, bad, or indifferent?

11.   What does disengagement mean?

12. Why is it important to uphold our values?

Survey:

http://www.self-compassion.org/test-your-self-compassion-level.html