The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of
Conflict is written by the Arbinger Institute and is a book that revolves
around different mechanisms of dealing with conflict resolution. As a basis, the book is told in the form of a
story about a life changing weekend for a group of parents whom have troubled
children. The children, all with various criminal backgrounds, are about to be
sent to a 60 day wilderness survival camp in order to resolve their individual
issues when the book begins. Once the children depart the parents are then
asked to spend two days with Avi and Yusuf, a Jew and Arab who help to run the
wilderness camp. While the parents
expect to learn about how the camp will fix their children, they instead soon
realize the weekend is focused solely on them. By inviting change in the hearts
of the parents, Avi and Yusuf hope to prepare the children’s home for a better
return once the camp ends. The Anatomy of Peace relies heavily on different
important moments in history and also on examples/diagrams to further explore
their ideas on conflict resolution.
This
book presents many different ideas and diagrams on how to deal with
interpersonal conflict and conflict resolution. The first diagram presented is
one focused on how we focus on “correcting what is going wrong” instead of
“helping things go right.” By focusing
heavily on correcting what is going wrong, you are challenging the person you
are in conflict with rather than supporting the person. Because of this, the
author says your heart is at war with the other person and therefore reaching a
resolution is nearly unattainable. You must find ways to make your heart be at
peace and that is what is explained throughout the book.
The
most important diagram presented is the one entitled the “Peacemaking Pyramid”
and it continues to expand throughout the book. You gain the pyramid piece by
piece until the end of the novel where the whole thing is presented to you and
I have placed it below:
This
diagram expands on the first diagram as it shows how challenging/correcting the
person will not help you in resolving the conflict. Instead, you need to teach
and communicate, listen and learn about the person’s world/point of view, build
your relationship with the person, build relationships with others who have
influence on the person, get out of the box and ultimately obtain a heart at
peace. By using this technique appropriately, they say it possible to
peacefully resolve nearly any conflict. This technique is one that is very
insightful and seriously considers your opponent’s point of view on the
conflict. By doing this, we can not only invite change in ourselves but also
change in others. The whole goal of the peacemaking pyramid is to prompt us to
search for solutions at a much deeper level than the level the problem seems to
be at.
From
this pyramid there are three main lessons.
1.
Most time
and effort should be spent at the lower levels of the pyramid. This is opposite
of what is normally done. It is important to help things go right and stay out
of the box.
2.
The solution
to a problem at one level of the pyramid is always below that level of the
pyramid. This refers to our natural reflex. If teaching isn’t working, then we
revert to communicating and listening, not just correcting.
3.
Ultimately,
my effectiveness at each level of the pyramid depends on the deepest level of
the pyramid --- my way of being. No matter how much you try to build a
relationship or communicate or teach, none of it will work to help things go
right if your heart is at war.
Another
important diagram from the book is the “Way of Being” diagram. They state
fixing your way of being is the very first and most fundamental step into
helping things go right and therefore gaining a heart that is at peace. If you treat people you’re in conflict with
as a problem to fix then they will react to your way of being. Both your hearts
will be at war and resolving your conflict will not be obtainable. People whose hearts are at war see others as
objects instead of people, actively resist their humanity, and others cares and
concerns matter less to them than their own. On the flip side though, a person
who has a heart at peace sees others as people, others cares and concerns
matter the same to them as their own, and they actively respond to humanity.
The next
diagram presented is the choice diagram where it is stated that people choose
to be right instead of having a heart that is at peace. This focuses mainly on how when things go
wrong we tend to place blame on everyone but ourselves. Once we find the person
to blame since in our minds we cannot actually be the problem, our heart then
goes to war. We continue to just justify our problems through blaming others
instead of actively working to solve our conflicts and keep our hearts at
peace.
Another
diagram addressed is the collusion diagram. Collusion is a conflict where the parties are inviting the very things
they are fighting against. This diagram is described along with a story
told by one of the people who are directing the camp. Avid came home from work and needed to meet a friend. His wife wanted to
mow the lawn. He tried to get out of it but ended up mowing the lawn. When he
was done and going to leave to meet his friend, his wife asked if he was going
to edge. They argued over the importance of it and he said he might do it when
he gets back. He got back past dark and wanted to go to bed. But his wife
persisted that he edged in the dark. They again argued and he finally gave in.
As he was edging he had resentment towards his wife. The collusion
diagram is represented below:
This collusion diagram shows how
collusion is a cycle. As Avi sees his wife as an object because of the nagging,
he protests her. As he protests she sees him as an object as well and continues
to complain. The cycle will continue. As the cycle persists, both Avi and his
wife have warring hearts. When their hearts are at war, they choose to bring in
allies in to the situation by complaining to their friends. This intensifies
the situation and will now be about more than just mowing the lawn. It is
important in life to avoid conflicts from turning into collusion.
The
last diagram and main point presented was about how we see the world through a
box. Everyone views the world differently and has their own “box” of how they
view things, especially conflict. Due to this, we all have individual views on
conflict which makes it that much harder to solve. In each box the author
presented, there are four categories: view of myself, view of others, view of
world, and feelings. The four different types of boxes are the better-than box,
i-deserve box, the must-be-seen-as box, and the worse-than box. This is
represented in its entirety below:
When
we are in conflict, our view could be any one of these boxes, a combination, or
even none of the boxes at all. We have to turn out focus on how to get out of
this box in order to be able to resolve our conflict. Initially you must just
look for the common signs of being in the box (such as justification, blame,
etc) and then find an out of box place to go (memories, places, etc). Once you
are in your out of the box place, then you begin to search for clarity about
the conflict and begin to ask yourself questions such as: what are this
person’s or people’s challenges/trials/burdens/pains, how am I adding to these
challenges/trials/burdens/pain, etc. The goal then is to stay permanently out
of the box, or at least as much as possible by acting on what we feel we should
do. By staying out of the box, we enable our hearts to stay at peace.
We
interviewed four people at lunch. They were from different place, two girls
from Belgium, one guy from Slovakia, and one girl from Czech Republic. They are
here to study at the university also. We wanted to discover how they handle
internal conflicts and if their hearts are generally at peace. It was very
interesting to learn about what they thought. We realized that their answers
didn’t differ from our views or the book’s views. We explained to them what it
meant if your heart is at war or peace. We then asked them where their hearts
are at the moment. We also described the different boxes of views on conflict.
After this description, we asked them to choose which box they felt they fight
into the most. We also asked them what they believed is the main reason people
don’t have inner peace and why most hearts are at war.
War or Peace?
As
we described to them, your heart can alternate from war and peace. We wanted to
now where it was at that moment. Three of them agreed their hearts were at
peace. They didn’t feel like they had any conflicts our resentments at the
moment during lunch. However, one of the girls said she felt her heart was at
war because she was upset with one of her other friends. She felt like this
friend was taking advantage of her and it was starting to build up.
Which box?
The
girl who had the heart at war said she could easily decide she was in the
“worse-than” box. As her friend took advantage of her, she felt she seemed not
as good and depressed. This also caused her to see her friend as privileged.
This created the world to seem unfair and difficult to her.
One
of the girls and the guy both established that, when in war, they would be in
the “Better-than” box. They admitted, when in conflict, they could feel like
they are always right because they are superior to the others because different
reasons pertaining to different situations. This causes them to be impatient
and view the world as a very competitive place.
The
last girl said she belongs in the “must-be-seen” box. She said she notices
herself sometimes acting fake to be seen well by others, because she sees
others as very judgmental. This view creates a dangerous world for her, leaving
her to feel afraid and stressed.
Why at war?
We
asked this as a group discussion. Together they answered that the main reason
people don’t have peace in their hearts is because we are selfish. As humans we
constantly look out for ourselves and don’t treat others as humans. This is
very closely relevant to what the book says is the main reason for our hearts
at war. The fact that we are constantly blaming others and not taking
responsibility for our own inner peace is what causes resentment towards others
and a heart at war.
1.
Name one of
the four boxes
2.
Name one of
the ways to get out of the box from the pyramid of change
3.
What is the
first thing you do to find inner peace?
4.
What should
you do to stay out of the box?
5.
What is
collusion?
6.
Name one
characteristic of your heart being at war
7.
Name one
characteristic of your heart being at peace
8.
What one of
the three lessons taught from the pyramid?
9.
What are two
ways you can help things go right?
10. What is something people often choose instead
of being at peace?
11. Why does trying to correct people not work?
12. What are you doing for people when you help
things go right?
